When I start to forget why - I recall who. Brian, who died Christmas 2022. An extremely shy quantum chemist, lifeguard, and amazing friend to my son. He buried his 27-year-old girlfriend, who died for no apparent reason, just a year before - at the same age he was when he died. I wasn’t there. I didn’t know. I should have tried harder. Sean, who died when he was 21 from drinking too much while in so much emotional pain. I wasn’t there when he died, back when I was still a kid too, I had to hear about it a few months later from some friends. His parents abandoned him when he was 12 and he never got over the betrayal. Joe, who died when we were both 19. His child was still months from being born. His girlfriend never fully got over his violent death. He flew through the windshield of the van he collided with while riding his motorcycle at top speed. I wish his son could have known him. Steven, who shot himself in the head just before he turned 19. We should have known when he started giving away all of his things. His father had it ruled an ‘accident while cleaning a gun’ – his father always had the power to make unpleasant things seemingly disappear. Janet, who died at 15, from an overdose, just because she wanted the abuse to end. Amy, who killed herself at school at age 16, because someone needed to pay attention. Jenny, who hung herself in the garage at age 17, on Father’s Day. Seth, who was charged with rape at 18 and then went home and shot himself with a rifle. He was autistic. Tim, who crashed his car after a night of heavy drinking, and then went home and shot himself with a rifle – rather than face either of his parents. They held separate funerals. Shawn, who always said he’d rather die happy, and so he did. He too shot himself, just after he turned 21. Lars, who didn’t even lie about it. He shot himself like everyone expected him to, before he’d made his 20th birthday. Lance, who drowned at Lake Ann, they said he tried to cross while he was drunk, but most of us knew he never intended to make it across. His sister and mother never understood why. He was barely 23. Joe, who worked full time while going to high school just to make ends meet. He was always so tired. I guess that’s why he fell asleep on the way home from that concert in Wisconsin, killing himself and 3 other 18-year-olds. Not a lick of drugs or alcohol in their systems, just bloody bad luck. Rick, who died of leukemia before I even really understood what cancer is. Cory, who left behind a pain-filled childhood, and 3 small kids of his own, at the age of 31. The brain tumor was fast, at least. Tom, who gassed himself in the garage with his ailing dog, because he hadn’t gotten straight As that semester in college, because he couldn’t face what his parents would say. Both were realtors with an image to maintain, so the pressure was always on. Gary, who died of a heart condition at 26. Alice, who died of Melanoma at 28. Lisa, who was abused at home as a kid, and then abused and murdered by a husband who also sexually abused their infant son. She died before she was 27. Ryan, who crashed his car at 18 and got up and walked away. Only to fall into a persistent vegetative state for the next 12 years, before he finally died. His parents never missed a single day. The kid Albert killed with his car when he was drunk, and how he got out on parole before the kid’s headstone had even been placed. Jason, who drowned himself in the same lake his father killed himself in 3 years prior. I can’t tell you how much his friendship meant to me back in High School. Unfortunately he never felt accepted by his family or society because he was gay. There were others of course, too many to ever recall in one sitting. But these are some of the people who run through my head, as I wonder how I will ever live up to the telling of their stories. Stories of isolation, violence, intolerance, and self-hatred. Stories of searching for community and finding only the empty echo of our sickened society. All of them the story of social stratification, and what it has done to our children… so many children, who will never get to tell their stories. So many voices relying on me to never ever give up. I may not know the way through, but I do know through is the only way ahead. With light and love, The Storyteller *Only the names have changed.
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