Monster - Me

I was a monster in High School, and probably even before that, to certain people.  People I envied, people I felt safe being a monster to.  After all, I had no authority or control over my own life, my own safety, or my well being, and those closest to me had proven time and again, since the day I was born, I was a means to an end - or an after thought - and nothing else.

So... what if I lashed out at girls I thought had better families than I did?  It wasn't like anyone was going to hold me responsible, just as no one had ever held my abusers accountable.  It was simply the way of the world, and even as I spewed my hateful words at perfectly lovely, beautiful, and creative souls, I knew it was wrong, and yet... I persisted.

I have never officially apologized to the beautiful souls I called "round girl" and "chicken".  I never got to apologize to Seth, when I made myself more important than him, at nearly every opportunity.  I never said I'm sorry to Jenny or any of the other folks I lashed out at, and made feel less than, because I had no ability to regulate my own emotions.

I look back, and in my heart I say it, I hope your soul can hear it, wherever you are.  But more importantly, I hope your life has moved so far past my spite and venom that it can't touch you today.  I hope my pain which I spread unto you for no good reason isn't even an afterthought.

I lashed out because of me.  I was the horrible, nasty person, who abused, ridiculed, cast judgement and blame, out of simply not understanding at a human level what decency looks like.

And though I understand I was acting out of blind desperation, from of a savage need to get my life to stop being so terrifying, so violent, and cruel, it does nothing to erase what I did to any of you.

It was never you, never about you, except for my perceived jealousy of you, because you seemed to have the very things withheld from me all of my life, the love and acceptance I was starving for.

I made you less in my eyes, because I needed to feel powerful.

And I'm so very sorry.  So very very sorry.

I hope you all can forgive me.

Namaste,
The Storyteller

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