I was a terrible friend for a very long time. You see, I was a wounded child prior to any of my friends ever meeting me, always terrified of the next move, the next break with reality. I attended 3 First Grade classes, moving again many times after that. I was a terrible friend because I was constantly in defensive mode. So, I never quite learned how to ask questions and show interest that wasn't rude or offensive. I'm sure I hardly gave a compliment, and I know I always desperately needed to take control. And I know I probably seemed totally disinterested in the friends who did graciously choose to stick around. In my defense, I don't think I could have done any better, no matter how hard I tried, because I was a young, inexperienced girl in a constant state of desperate anticipation. I had razor sharp defense mechanisms I could not yet set aside, as they were allowing me to stay alive. But I know... I know it made me a royally sucky friend. And for that I am terribly sorry. Because even though I knew I was often letting my friends down, I had no idea how to make things better. I simply didn't know how to be a friend, because I had never had someone show me what a friend is supposed to be. Oddly, I was popular enough, at least I never lacked for male attention, though I was poorly able to handle any of it at the time. A freaking train wreck has nothing on teenage me. But God is nothing if not gracious, so for a long time I found refuge in the from of a long-haired Harley freak with an attitude problem. A wonderful boy who was 2 years younger than me, and probably way more mature than I was (am). I really was a feral thing. Quite unable to fashion pretty outfits or fancy hairdos, I eventually settled on a bad bedhead look, after first having a mohawk, a plant head, and a few other odd hairstyles. You see, I hid my inability to be feminine, and vulnerable, and nice, and everything else a good girl was supposed to be by becoming a non-conformist punker. Which I'm certain I remember as looking way cooler than it really was. Still... I always said the wrong things at the wrong time, often yelling at the other kids to "get your lives together', and all that mum stuff I knew some didn't hear at home. I wanted to protect them, as I had never been protected, so I took it upon myself to be bossy, and demanding, you know... how I was taught to show love. My first apartment was often wall-to-wall teenagers who just needed someplace to go. We rove in packs back then, but I didn't really get too close. To Be Cont... © Raena Exe 2024 *All rights reserved. *Take no hostages. And leave your mark behind.
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by Exe
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December 2024
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